no pun intended

Going back to the five years we had was very unpleasant. Not the physical five years, but the process of going back and catching a glimpse of memory from way back. The good and the bad and the very fond ones that you know you will keep and never forget.

It's hard going back, that's a given. But it's harder letting go. You know you have to though, that's the only way now and this is the only way you want it done. I have loved you every moment, not a single nanosecond wasted. I know, you know very well how and why I loved you.

With eyes wide close and mind shut open, you can recite my emotionally laced soul out in the field, without a single drop of verb. I would have given everything and believe me I have given everything in my humanly possible way to satiate your wanting heart.

And now for everyone to see, hear and feel, I give you my last gift and my ultimate sacrifice.

No words or amount of imagination can ever describe my now tormented being. I know I have to do this and you know very well why I have accepted to do this my love.

I die everyday like it was November 1 in Manila, withering together with the smoke that slowly devours the city. Like a roach that bears the hard thud on its back of the great tsinelas, I cry and slowly die everyday.

I know though, everyday, that in my dying another part of me grows, a better part of me revealed and by divine rule a new verve will come into view.

Now I go back to the words I have written. I pause, I think.

I thank you.


p.s.
Sleep dreams
and sweet tight.

Now I have

I have never felt this way before. My heart is literally burning and my temple is in a twist of rage. I find no rails that I can hold on to, and for the nth time in my life I am lost once more.

Losing someone is very very painful, especially if it's someone you dearly love, adore and praise. You lose all sense of direction in space and time.

You freeze every now and then, sometimes in the middle of doing something menial and ordinary, you embarrassingly grope for your sanity, and suddenly shout for help with your loudest non-verbal emotion.

You know everything is all quiet and yet you feel the echo and pitch reverberating over your own space. You go deaf for more than a minute and your ears bloating with a soundless mass enveloping your inner brain. Confused and dazed, you feel your head exploding and grinding inside.

Helplessly, you keep it all in. Still in the midst of chaos, crying and wiping tears across your face, whining violently with your feet stomping on the ground, you consume yourself with this emotion the whole fucking day with variances of different degree and category.

Exhaustion would be your ultimate prize. When it's there, you embrace it with all your strength and keep it beside you, while you sleep with all your tiresome.

You try and sleep with all your might and after three hours you wake and go all over the process once more, over and over, over and over, over and over, until it consumes you no more.

Then you cry. Cry your physical cry. For hours on end you cry your tear ducts bone dry,

You let out a big sigh!

You curse! Now you're cloaked in anger. You curse some more and shout. Shout till your tonsils explode, you stop and again anger eats you up inside.

Then the dream state comes, and you wish that it would all be over till you cannot feel anymore.

You close your eyes and wish again.

Till you cannot feel anymore....

Now I have.
May 17, 2006