Badpong

Sigh sigh sigh!!! What can I say…you have to love ‘em and you have to hate ‘em haha… My Patpong experience was a hellish one. I vowed not to go back there again except maybe to just be out on the street looking in haha, but to go inside another bar where they do ping-pong shows and other ultra electro magical pop … well… that’s like ‘nunca mas cabron’ but then again I’m not the type that keeps my options close, I like to keep them open at all times lol.

But anyhoo, there we were--I was with an Asian-American dude I met earlier in the day; he was my camera buddy when we met in Grand Palace, we were being wheeled in by a bunch of pimps hawking their bars, convincing us that the show was just for B100, all you have to do was order beer and you’d see a ping-pong, banana, nails and the magic that you can only see in Bangkok… and they kept on insisting that they do not have any cover charge.

I came there knowing that the ping-pong show was already an established tourist attraction. So I felt that it was an easy deal; you go in, you watch and then go out. I was about to find out that it was not… the hard way. The pimps kept on repeating “just see, just look, no pay” for like a hundred times, so we went up a bar named Showgirls and aside from us two pure asian looking dudes, there was also a group of about 4 Japanese with a local I think drinking their shit and enjoying the lame show.

We finally sat and this chubby woman of about 49 years of age naked from her bra down was already lying flat on her back with a naked banana on her right hand. She inserted the fruit that will no longer be worthy of being called a smoothie after 2 or 3 attempts, and when the banana was already inside; from the stage she was pointing her artillery towards me and calculating the targeted projectile.

I thought naaah that mangled banana won’t reach me from where I am (i was a good 10 or 15 feet away from the wretched tora-tora)… again, or so I thought�"it almost hit me, I did an awkward evasive maneuver and almost gave out a girly shriek hahaha… eeewww, imagine being hit by a wet, juicy fruit that came from an overage sex trade worker’s insides trying to please an overly tired tourist.

We watched two more magical moments; where they showed several nails on a string coming out of an again overage nasty entertainer and a super old woman with stretch marks matching the banyan trees I saw in Angkor Wat blowing out birthday candles from a long champola tube inserted somewhere inside her, I don’t know where she got the air to blow out the candles, I don’t think that she was even farting the whole time because that would only ignite the candles more if that were the case hahahaha.

In between the watching and the chatting (we were there for about 15 minutes) the fugly ladies (I kid you not they were really nasty man!) and one lady boy kept on putting drinks that they drank on our table and we kept putting them away, placing it on an empty table that were not ours. I already knew this was their ploy so they could have us pay extra for like ladies drink and other stuff, so I kept telling them no, no and No. So after awhile I motioned to my friend that we split since the show is becoming uber lame anyway and I thought it would be better for me to imagine the contortions than to watch it in their bar hehe.

As we were about to prepare our B100 we asked for the bill... lo and behold they were charging us B2900 for almost everything.

No wonder some of the girls kept putting their empty glasses on our table, which in return I put on another empty table that was not ours... I believe I said NO more than a couple of times...

...so we headed to the bar where the lady manager was; and as we tried to explain that the original agreement was just a B100 each for the magnipiceynt show... the manager started shouting and yelling that that was her show and she will do anything that she wants; hence the rip-off price, which is really an understatement. My new friend kept on telling her that its what the pimp said and that what she was doing was absurd and an outright extortion... the argument was reallyy getting heated up... and since she was arguing with an American, my friend would just not want to concede debate while I was thinkin' "Holy paksyet! how can we get out of this fuckin' situation these rip-offs are trying pull off" In my zen-asian sor t of wisdom I tried to reason with the manager.

.. I told her that it was really unfair and insisted politely that we only have B100 with us and the most (while crossing my fingers) and at this point all eyes were on us since we were the only customers left in that 10pm of a Patpong (the Jap group already left, however I think they paid much much more)... the most that we can give her was B200 each. But NO! this lady just kept on shouting saying the same phrase over and over... NO! this is my bar and you have to pay B2900 bhat... It went on and on and the headache was just going around in circles. I even said my catch phrase in a very assertive tone in the middle of the veryyyy heated argument "CHAN JA BOK TUMRUAD!!!" (I WILL CALL THE POLICE!!!)it didn't work... hahaha... the lady got even worse; she said that she pays the police too and to keep up and stay afloat with her bussines we had to pay her the full amount, or something to that effect.

showgirls; a very bad bad bad badpong!!!!

..

Then the manager finally said "Ok, you pay B1000 and then you go" I was able to calm my friend down and still insisted that we only had B200 at best; with a few haggling and a lot of stalemates I pulled out my wallet and gave her B400 for the whole bill and started to head out the exit which was guarded by a fat lady bouncer and several pimps and lady boys and girls... good thing they made way since apparently the manager took the B400 and finally agreed after a very very very insane and intense situation... I really thought that either we would end up in jail, hospital or worse :-( boohoo...

Sheezkebab! we then went out towards the main road from Patpong while still getting a quick peek inside the girly go-go bars--one minute after the fiasco... we just never learn hahahaha....

On the main road we just had drinks instead, some ice cold san mig and a cocktail. We laughed off the whole situation, nodded and scratched our heads in disbelief and my newfound friend paid me the B200 said Kampai, and laughed our asses out snorting, while talking and replaing the whole scene over and over.

We were better off drinking on that street bar outside Patpong; we met a nice Spain and Italian couple whom we just chatted the night away... the Italian guy said they never watched the ping-pong show "Why watch girls playing ping-pong it's just boring" hahaha that's a good one.

Going home i thought to myself "Man that was some kickass experience... next time i'll keep the Patpong out of my Kangkong" ;-p