lone traveller

The reason I’m doing my SE Asia tour is because I will meet up with my elder sister in Cambodia on June 14, and we vowed to scour the ruins of Angkor Wat. She paid for my plane fare of course, as what any loving and good natured ate would do, provided that I pay for my own lodging once I’m in Siem Reap, Cambodia. I agreed to that, although I know at the back of my mind that she’ll be taking care of my food and my stay at a cheap hotel there too hehe…

So I went to a Cebu Pacific ticketing office and purchased a flight to Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam on June 13^th. There’s no direct flight from Manila to Siem Reap; I wanted to fly to Bangkok originally, but I figured since I haven’t been to Vietnam yet—I said “What the Heck! I wasn’t able to watch Miss Saigon in Manila maybe I can find the real Miss Saigon in Saigon”, and start my way up to Cambodia from there.

I also have a return ticket; Singapore to Manila on June 30^th (I extended another week's leave). Which means I will be out traveling SE Asia for 17 days with a little bit of money (an understatement) and a free Cambodia tour with my sister, that’s it? …or so it seemed… I figured I have an extra 10k with me, so after the “ruins” why not proceed to Bangkok, spend a week there and then take a budget plane (about P3k) or a train to Kuala Lumpur since I have a cousin there, and then take a bus to Singapore (another cousin) which is about P500-800 if I’m buying in Malaysia (a rough estimate).

I figured; most of my money will be spent in Bangkok; fan rooms everyday food and the commute. So my overall gut feeling is that I’d survive a 10k budget (which is all I have, really) since I have someone to cover for me in Cambodia (June 14-19), and cousins in KL and Singapore (June 24-30).

Now here’s the shocking part. My sister called me this morning and said she won’t push through with their plan (my sis and her fiancé) since her fiancé’s conference was cancelled… ergo I have to find money for my Cambodia accommodation and food. It’s half of my budget down the drain.

I thought of canceling the whole trip altogether, but again contemplated that I already purchased to and from tickets, canceling them means I won’t get a full refund and all that horse shit of chickening out of an adventure blah blah.

I figured, Fuck This! I’ll just look for another extra 5k or 10k (highly impossible) elsewhere, and maybe the gods would be gentler on me… or someone might join me in this trip and share a fan room with me in Saigon, Cambodia and Bangkok, I promise a free accommodation once we’re in Kuala Lumpur… any takers? Hehehe

I don’t have a credit card either since I screwed up my last three from 2 years ago (another hehehe) in Toto I don’t have an emergency plan either, zip, nada and kaputs! The best option for me if stranded would be to go to a Philippine embassy and beg for money—ma’m sir pautang po…

With all these being said, all I ask from you now my dear friends, readers and lost souls alike is for you to close your eyes and repeat the Hail Mary three times and pray that I don’t join the Viet Congs, Khmer Rouge and the Military regime in Bangkok just to stay afloat when all I have left is my backpack and buri hat.

…this is a fact: I will need all the rosary I can get... and then some
...sky flakes....

bike ride

This is my view from Sunken Garden in UP. I biked the whole day last Sunday; from my place (pasig) to my Tatay's...
I rested there mid day so as to have my lunch (a piece of corn) and set my self up for the long journey to Fairview...
I biked the whole day; my knees felt like it was about to slowly crack and crumble like ashes... I then felt how my lolo would have been--my knees and all...
I biked the whole day; tiring but a well worth Sunday...
I might be doing that again if not for the party and tempting booze this coming weekend.

Biking the whole day...

no pun intended

Going back to the five years we had was very unpleasant. Not the physical five years, but the process of going back and catching a glimpse of memory from way back. The good and the bad and the very fond ones that you know you will keep and never forget.

It's hard going back, that's a given. But it's harder letting go. You know you have to though, that's the only way now and this is the only way you want it done. I have loved you every moment, not a single nanosecond wasted. I know, you know very well how and why I loved you.

With eyes wide close and mind shut open, you can recite my emotionally laced soul out in the field, without a single drop of verb. I would have given everything and believe me I have given everything in my humanly possible way to satiate your wanting heart.

And now for everyone to see, hear and feel, I give you my last gift and my ultimate sacrifice.

No words or amount of imagination can ever describe my now tormented being. I know I have to do this and you know very well why I have accepted to do this my love.

I die everyday like it was November 1 in Manila, withering together with the smoke that slowly devours the city. Like a roach that bears the hard thud on its back of the great tsinelas, I cry and slowly die everyday.

I know though, everyday, that in my dying another part of me grows, a better part of me revealed and by divine rule a new verve will come into view.

Now I go back to the words I have written. I pause, I think.

I thank you.


p.s.
Sleep dreams
and sweet tight.

Now I have

I have never felt this way before. My heart is literally burning and my temple is in a twist of rage. I find no rails that I can hold on to, and for the nth time in my life I am lost once more.

Losing someone is very very painful, especially if it's someone you dearly love, adore and praise. You lose all sense of direction in space and time.

You freeze every now and then, sometimes in the middle of doing something menial and ordinary, you embarrassingly grope for your sanity, and suddenly shout for help with your loudest non-verbal emotion.

You know everything is all quiet and yet you feel the echo and pitch reverberating over your own space. You go deaf for more than a minute and your ears bloating with a soundless mass enveloping your inner brain. Confused and dazed, you feel your head exploding and grinding inside.

Helplessly, you keep it all in. Still in the midst of chaos, crying and wiping tears across your face, whining violently with your feet stomping on the ground, you consume yourself with this emotion the whole fucking day with variances of different degree and category.

Exhaustion would be your ultimate prize. When it's there, you embrace it with all your strength and keep it beside you, while you sleep with all your tiresome.

You try and sleep with all your might and after three hours you wake and go all over the process once more, over and over, over and over, over and over, until it consumes you no more.

Then you cry. Cry your physical cry. For hours on end you cry your tear ducts bone dry,

You let out a big sigh!

You curse! Now you're cloaked in anger. You curse some more and shout. Shout till your tonsils explode, you stop and again anger eats you up inside.

Then the dream state comes, and you wish that it would all be over till you cannot feel anymore.

You close your eyes and wish again.

Till you cannot feel anymore....

Now I have.
May 17, 2006