Now I have

I have never felt this way before. My heart is literally burning and my temple is in a twist of rage. I find no rails that I can hold on to, and for the nth time in my life I am lost once more.

Losing someone is very very painful, especially if it's someone you dearly love, adore and praise. You lose all sense of direction in space and time.

You freeze every now and then, sometimes in the middle of doing something menial and ordinary, you embarrassingly grope for your sanity, and suddenly shout for help with your loudest non-verbal emotion.

You know everything is all quiet and yet you feel the echo and pitch reverberating over your own space. You go deaf for more than a minute and your ears bloating with a soundless mass enveloping your inner brain. Confused and dazed, you feel your head exploding and grinding inside.

Helplessly, you keep it all in. Still in the midst of chaos, crying and wiping tears across your face, whining violently with your feet stomping on the ground, you consume yourself with this emotion the whole fucking day with variances of different degree and category.

Exhaustion would be your ultimate prize. When it's there, you embrace it with all your strength and keep it beside you, while you sleep with all your tiresome.

You try and sleep with all your might and after three hours you wake and go all over the process once more, over and over, over and over, over and over, until it consumes you no more.

Then you cry. Cry your physical cry. For hours on end you cry your tear ducts bone dry,

You let out a big sigh!

You curse! Now you're cloaked in anger. You curse some more and shout. Shout till your tonsils explode, you stop and again anger eats you up inside.

Then the dream state comes, and you wish that it would all be over till you cannot feel anymore.

You close your eyes and wish again.

Till you cannot feel anymore....

Now I have.
May 17, 2006